A letter, to nobody.

I miss JC.

I miss JC so much.

I don't want to go back to school.

I don't want to go back to the life of day-after-day monotony.

I want to continue interning. I want to go for exchange. To Cambridge, to MIT, to Stanford, or anywhere else similar.

I like Japan. I like Tokyo. But I'm feeling so sad here right now. The place is not the to be blamed, though; it's simply that no one is here. Or, no one ever stays here. Tokyo had been crowded this year; so many people came for visit. But none of them stayed. They were just here to travel, to do internship, or study as exchange students. When the time came, they left, never coming back again.

Maybe I'm just too used to companions recently, with so many people around. But they're all leaving. So, it's time to get used to staying alone again.

And I should get used to staying alone.

Sometimes I think of the me five or six years back. So aloof. So lonely. But I also got a lot from being alone, I guess. A lot of things without which I wouldn't have been able to come this far. Sometimes I think I'm talking too much and getting to know too many people nowadays. I have too many friends and too many relationships to take care of. And the worst thing is that, when you get used to having so many people around, it becomes so much easier to feel lonely and depressed.

What a lie.

ZD is visiting Tokyo. 久しぶりに。Though a lot more frequent than he should. I don't like him, but he reminds me of so many things in the past because we share so many things in common. Shenzhen, SFLS, Singapore, Raffles, physics, CS, college app. The most important part of my life.

And I become so nostalgic. I miss the days in JC so much. I even miss the me in the past, sometimes.

Constantly, I wonder how fucked up my current life is. Yup, fucked up. I don't know why, but it's always the only phrase that comes to mind whenever I struggle to find something that describes my life. I live alone with a terrible lifestyle. I don't care about my health, I have no close friend around, I'm constantly anti-social and depressed, and sometimes I don't know what I'm doing. There're people who care about me but I don't want to trouble them with my own problems. And those with whom I share my problems, they don't really care. And here I am, lost and confused and helpless.

I haven't slept well for, like, a month? Two months? I have no idea. Almost every night I wake up for a while at ghostly hour like 3am or 4am, and blank out. I haven't slept for over 6 hours continuously for a long time. I'm tired, but still I can't sleep well. I don't eat well either; my stomachache just complains all the time. And I'm constantly stressed. When there isn't anyone to talk to, I turn my attention to work. There're so many things I want to do.

I think of the time when I was in secondary school. Life then seems to be so much more miserable, but maybe, it was actually so much better. Out of the whole world I only had one point of contact, and I stick with that person. And got really really close and bonded and mutually trusted. Never really bothered by insecurity or emptiness or whatever.

But I've outgrown that, sadly. Since when, I cease to trust people as much. Never allowed myself to get close to anyone else any more. Perhaps I figured that getting distant and a bit lonely is better than getting hurting and hurting people.

I don't know. I'm really anti-social now.

I think of JM. We are weirdly similar despite coming from two different world. Like, truly, similar in the darkest sense. And just like I know I can't get close to him, so does him. Which is great.

Nights. It's always nights that foster this kind of thoughts. Everything would be fine tomorrow, hopefully. More work, more coding and more debugging.