Whatever.

Now that I think of it, it's amazing how much loneliness I experienced in Singapore. Some of the most unhappy times in my life happened when I was there, especially before Junior College; as much as I like to go back and visit my friends, I hated Singapore back then. I'm thankful to all my JC friends. I'm thankful to residents of RIB without whom I couldn't have made it through. To be honest I never got particularly close to any classmates; I guess there's just some silent mutual agreement that they couldn't understand our world and vice versa. I remember a particularly sad day when I just entered JC. During a class activity, the most popular girl decided that we should play this game where one is given 3 people and decide whether to sleep with/marry/kill each of them. It was meant to be a "fun" game; people were waiting for gossips. But, to me, it was the cruelest and most stupid game ever. I still remember that feeling when a male classmate who n...

December is always the most nostalgic time of the year. Not only because it's the last and therefore most precious month of a year, but also because it means Christmas and New Year and my birthday. And that's where all those old memories start to flood in when I don't even want to think about them. Every time of the year. In a few days it will be my birthday again. Somehow, I'd never looked forward to my birthday, not even when I was a kid. Not that I ever had my birthday celebrated as a kid, anyway; my parents never cared. But ya, I don't like birthday. In fact, I'm scared of birthday, especially the week before it. Not because I don't want to get older -- I think I'm already at a stage where I don't care -- but because birthday just reminds me how lonely I am. You know it when others have their surprise parties and cupcakes and flowers for birthday while you only have psets. I hate myself for secretly looking forward to birthday surprises eve...

As I’d always complained to Lawrence, I’m deadly afraid of ending up being a mediocre person some day. I mean – looking at myself, this is entirely possible, isn’t it? I’ve had some awards in mathematics and physics but those are nothing to be mentioned in front of all my IMO and IPhO friends at MIT.  I’ve learned some programming and interned at some firms but really, I don’t know how to program and I struggle even with the so-called “easy” CS classes at MIT.  I’ve studied fine art and done some drawings and paintings, but I did not continue and my knowledge in art is at best a little bit more than the non-art students.   I can sing well enough that my friends would call me good when we go to karaoke, but I am nothing compared to a professional singer. I can cook delicious food that my boyfriend loves to have but I cannot cook for a living either. I can speak five languages, but who cares. I know a bit of everything, but I can’t do well in anything. Thus the fea...

Been meeting and getting to know a lot of people recently -- so many of them that I can't even keep track of. Transfer students, Singaporean students, Chinese students, seniors, etc. Too many people have been asking me out for lunch/dinner/a walk that I'm starting to feel tired. But well, it's the last week before school starts. だからまだ余裕があるかな。 I met Joseph; he was very different from what I thought he'd be. He's not like Lawrence at all, though apparently they (we?) all fall under the same category of people. Talking to Joseph strangely feels like getting back into some comfort-zone; not sure whether it's because he reminded me of Lawrence or because it really is so. It's increasingly hard to stop thinking about Lawrence. Sigh. No matter how many people I've met -- IMO/IPhO/IBO golds, research stars, amazing people at MIT/Google, etc. -- I still cannot like anyone else as much as I like Lawrence. This is... honestly painful. Only if I could forg...

Hi, So it's been a week since I left Tokyo. It felt short. It still feels slightly unreal. As I cycled back from school to dorm, the sight of Charles River and Boston's city light on the opposite side somehow reminded me of Singapore. It felt like the night when I drove past Downtown, when I was distracted by the sight of Marina Bay and almost crushed into another car. It was one of those quiet nights like those in Edward Hopper's painting. It still is. On my way back I thought of Japan; I tend to think of such things when it's quiet at night and I'm alone. Boston is getting cold and it reminds me of the winter in Tokyo, especially the last winter, especially the times when I walked past the long, chilly sky walk at Ebisu to Andy's place. I remember the red carpet and the chandelier and the hot chocolate at Starbucks; it was the Christmas season. It was so nice.

I knew MIT would be challenging, but I didn't expect the challenge to come this soon. -- Moving into 99 Bay State Road has been an extremely disappointing experience. Quoting words from MIT seniors who visited the dorm -- "this place does not represent what MIT has". The place felt terrible the moment I checked in. There was neither light nor electricity (none of the electric plugs were working); the door lock wasn't working; the walls and floor were really dirty and all the furnitures were aged and dusty. The whole building appears to be still under construction, with scaffolding and other raw construction materials lying around. Half of the machines in laundry room are not working. Hot water does not come out in most showers. The kicthen isn't what one would call a kitchen and there's no computer room yet. The strong odor of paint and dust in the building had also triggered my allergic rhinitis, so I spent the first night in Boston sneezing and wasn't ab...

15 July. Lawrence's birthday. Another Saturday. Another week. Feeling really down again. Drank with Ryoichi-san again last night and came back on 1am+. Also dreamt about him again. Still having hangover from last night. Can't remember much about what we talked about, but somehow, talking with Ryoichi-san always feels good. ずっと君に一緒にいたいの。 でもその願望は、叶えないでしょう。 ーーー I kept thinking about a snippet of our conversation last night. 「家族が欲しいな。」 「結婚したい？」 「いや、家族が欲しいけど、結婚したくない。だって、好きな人がいない。」 「じゃあ一人の方がいいと思うよ。」 本当は、好きな人がいないじゃなくて、好きな人がいるけどその人には結婚できない。 あなたのことが好きだから。 今週に告白しようと思ってたけど、結局何も言えずに酔っ払ったまま寮に帰った。 また来週、って。 来週はあんまり会えない気がするけど。Ryoichiさんは五連休だから。 ーーー 二十代と四十代。1995年の12月と1976年の1月。 「トオルさんは、これからも、いろんな人に出会えるよ。」 そうだね。そうかもしれないね。 でも今は、Ryoichiさんのことをしか考えたくない。 私は帰る。Ryoichiさんがいるなら、東京に戻るわ。 ーーー これからはどうすればいいのか。 自由と孤独は二つでセットだな。