December
December is always the most nostalgic time of the year. Not only because it's the last and therefore most precious month of a year, but also because it means Christmas and New Year and my birthday. And that's where all those old memories start to flood in when I don't even want to think about them.
Every time of the year.
In a few days it will be my birthday again. Somehow, I'd never looked forward to my birthday, not even when I was a kid. Not that I ever had my birthday celebrated as a kid, anyway; my parents never cared.
But ya, I don't like birthday. In fact, I'm scared of birthday, especially the week before it. Not because I don't want to get older -- I think I'm already at a stage where I don't care -- but because birthday just reminds me how lonely I am. You know it when others have their surprise parties and cupcakes and flowers for birthday while you only have psets. I hate myself for secretly looking forward to birthday surprises every year, because it usually means I will secretly get disappointed and upset. But still, every year, during the week before my birthday, I start to wonder if I would receive some gift packages or birthday cards or even just a midnight message that says "Happy Birthday!". Usually not.
I know, everyone is busy, I know. And I'm not even that close to anyone. I guess I'm just bitter about this once in while, that I'm an anti-social and friendless indoor house plant. It's okay, I'll be fine.
It's just the night that's making me feel sad.
I remember one birthday I had a few years ago; I woke up in the morning, had breakfast, went to class, came back from class, went for groceries, came back from groceries, cooked myself dinner, had dinner, showered and called it a day. It was the most uneventful day ever; not a single person I met on the day remembered my birthday, not even my friends. To be fair, I don't think I remembered their birthdays either.
I remember that I kept telling myself it's fine. That it's all logically perfectly reasonable that nothing happened. It's December, it's exam season, everyone was busy. It's your birthday, it's just a day, it's nothing. But the truth remains that I felt so incredibly sad that day, because, as it turned out, despite constantly living under a self-induced loneliness, I am such a needy person.
I don't know what will happen this year. But maybe, this time for real, I shouldn't look forward to anything. I'm getting old.
Every time of the year.
In a few days it will be my birthday again. Somehow, I'd never looked forward to my birthday, not even when I was a kid. Not that I ever had my birthday celebrated as a kid, anyway; my parents never cared.
But ya, I don't like birthday. In fact, I'm scared of birthday, especially the week before it. Not because I don't want to get older -- I think I'm already at a stage where I don't care -- but because birthday just reminds me how lonely I am. You know it when others have their surprise parties and cupcakes and flowers for birthday while you only have psets. I hate myself for secretly looking forward to birthday surprises every year, because it usually means I will secretly get disappointed and upset. But still, every year, during the week before my birthday, I start to wonder if I would receive some gift packages or birthday cards or even just a midnight message that says "Happy Birthday!". Usually not.
I know, everyone is busy, I know. And I'm not even that close to anyone. I guess I'm just bitter about this once in while, that I'm an anti-social and friendless indoor house plant. It's okay, I'll be fine.
It's just the night that's making me feel sad.
I remember one birthday I had a few years ago; I woke up in the morning, had breakfast, went to class, came back from class, went for groceries, came back from groceries, cooked myself dinner, had dinner, showered and called it a day. It was the most uneventful day ever; not a single person I met on the day remembered my birthday, not even my friends. To be fair, I don't think I remembered their birthdays either.
I remember that I kept telling myself it's fine. That it's all logically perfectly reasonable that nothing happened. It's December, it's exam season, everyone was busy. It's your birthday, it's just a day, it's nothing. But the truth remains that I felt so incredibly sad that day, because, as it turned out, despite constantly living under a self-induced loneliness, I am such a needy person.
I don't know what will happen this year. But maybe, this time for real, I shouldn't look forward to anything. I'm getting old.
Comments
Post a Comment