Whatever.

Why does this always happen why is it always like this whyyyyyyyy why am I always in love with people who are fucking far away Why the fuck am I sitting here crying and opening my UCAS application Nothing is possible; nothing has ever been possible FML.

It was a trigger, but definitely not everything behind. I started out all these thought because one of my favorite friends in high school was going to Cambridge. I went as far as considering transferring to Cambridge just such that I would have someone to cling on to. But now thinking of that, it's probably more than that. By going back to Singapore I found myself back. The me in JC, motivated and ambitious and ready for new challenges all the time. And the world in high school. In a sense it was a smaller world, but it was from that world that I was able to see many great things in life. And there it goes: I want to venture into a larger world, that's it. Coming to Japan, in itself, is a sort of great adventure, I guess; but Japan is so different from anywhere else in the world that it feels tiny. It's just Japan. And Tokyo is just Tokyo. It's wonderful in a lot of ways, but it also sucks in some way. I've had two years in Japan, and I guess this is quite e...

So I'm gonna transfer; yes, I am. This is the answer I've got, after three days of thinking. Three days is short, I know, not to mention that the past three days had been filled with work, school and meetings. But still, I know this is THE choice. Over the past three days I've been talking to many, many people. My colleagues and managers at Google, high school friends, seniors at Ivy Leagues/Oxbridge, strangers introduced by friends, etc. I received a wide variety of opinions -- all of which had been extremely helpful -- and I'm really grateful to all the people who kindly talked to me. And yes, I think I've reached my conclusion. I think life has a lot more possibilities than it seems. Japan has been great, and Tokyo has been great -- this is what I've been telling people, and I'm more than sincere. Words cannot describe how much I love this place, everything from anime culture to splendid scenes of four seasons. People here are great, food here is di...

I think I'll be so sad when I get back to Tokyo. No, I'm already feeling sad. ― "Where do you wanna go? Let's go to east coast park." Said L. It was 1 in the afternoon, on a Saturday free of any commitment. It was a luxury -- my first free Saturday in almost half a year. I walked out of the bedroom and sat near an open window. It was a windy day, and breezes of wind blew through the room rhythmically. It felt great just sitting there and doing nothing.  "Ok." I replied, secretly excited by the prospect of going to east coast again. But when I turned back, L was sound asleep again. I looked down from the windowsill as the wind breezes through. Oh, Singapore. I couldn't help wondering why this place was so magical to me. Everything was so familiar that it felt like my only home even though I didn't even have my own place to stay. But L's place was good enough, or perhaps even better than my own place if I did have one...

我讨厌中国。我讨厌被贴上中国人的标签。我从未想过留在这里。 那么多年，一直想要逃离的地方。一直想要挣脱的identity。 然而。 当我意识到汉字写成的文化已经成为融入自己血液中的一部分的时候，我知道，being Chinese is something ingrained in me。 Not the political sense of "Chinese". My sentimentality, my depression and my loneliness. They're all related to my upbringing as a Chinese. When I'm sad, I know it. I know where all my feelings come from. I know why the way I see the world is different from others'. For a long time I've been refusing to part of it. But now I know, I am and will always be part of it. Oh well. It's fine.

The first time I came to Roppongi, I knew nothing about this place at all. I only came here to meet ZD, because he wanted to see the Christmas Lightshow at Roppongi Midtown. I didn't even know there's such a place called Roppongi Hills until ZD asked me about it. Nonchalantly, I looked around, pointed to the highest and brightest building I could find and said, "I think that's the building you're talking about". (Though, in truth, I had absolutely no idea whether I was pointing to the right building.) And that was my first memory about Roppongi Hills. Some tall, bright office building standing in the center of Roppongi, where grown-up people (社畜) whom I couldn't related to spend time doing the so-called "important things" day after day. It was a world too far from mine. But for a second something in my mind stirred. So as I vaguely remember, it was after watching the lightshow, on the way back to metro, that I pointed to Roppongi Hills again ...

また、眠れない夜。 And I don't even know why I cannot fall asleep. I want to travel, I want to go for exchange, I want to sit on the top of sole barren mountain and shout out to the world. But I'll have to wake up tomorrow and go for work. Sometimes I think I miss ZD. But on a second thought I never really miss him. I just miss the places, people and memories that we share in common. I hope tomorrow will be a good day again. 

I miss JC. I miss JC so much. I don't want to go back to school. I don't want to go back to the life of day-after-day monotony. I want to continue interning. I want to go for exchange. To Cambridge, to MIT, to Stanford, or anywhere else similar. I like Japan. I like Tokyo. But I'm feeling so sad here right now. The place is not the to be blamed, though; it's simply that no one is here. Or, no one ever stays here. Tokyo had been crowded this year; so many people came for visit. But none of them stayed. They were just here to travel, to do internship, or study as exchange students. When the time came, they left, never coming back again. Maybe I'm just too used to companions recently, with so many people around. But they're all leaving. So, it's time to get used to staying alone again. And I should get used to staying alone. Sometimes I think of the me five or six years back. So aloof. So lonely. But I also got a lot from being alone, I guess....