Whatever.

Hold on. Wait a minute. Think. I think I'm too impatient. I've always been. From time to time I'll just want something so hard I want it right at the moment. Impossible things like marriage, or work, or a change of nationality. At least impossible in short term. And then I just panic. And start to desperately find ways to reduce the waiting time. Why don't you just work hard, and patiently wait? Ahh. --- December will be a busy month. Actually, I'll be so busy throughout the next two months (mostly because I've been procrastinating and postponing things I have to do). Even the thought of December feels overwhelming -- oh man. Oh no. Maths midterm at the beginning of December, followed by a trip to Cambridge and an academic interview (to which I'm not giving much hope). And it'll be Andy's birthday. And it'll be my birthday. And it'll be Christmas and so many people will be coming. All my dinners during the week of Christmas have alr...

 その純白の美しさに、恍惚。 It was Tokyo's first snow of this winter. And the first November snow in 54 years. So I spent an afternoon staring at the snow, thinking about life and how nice it was to be in Tokyo at this time. The day was so cold that I fell sick immediately afterwards; but I think it was all worth it. Tokyo. So many changes happened in my life for the past half a year or so that I end up being terribly confused right now. I don't know what to do. I don't know what I want to do. I don't know what I should do. I have no goal, no direction, no motivation and for the past month I've been living like someone taking a gap year. Oh well. Maybe I do have goals. I want to study CS, I want to be an awesome nerd, I want to get a house somewhere -- maybe Tokyo -- and have all the things I want especially the 2 cats. But they don't seem to be that hard to achieve, here in Tokyo; with what I have right now, I can probably get them all in three or four years with t...

All the trips I had/am having for the last four months of 2016: Tokyo - Houston * 1 Tokyo - Singapore * 2 Tokyo - Hong Kong * 2 Tokyo - London * 1 Ah. I hate jet lag.

It's been a year in Tokyo. I wonder how many more years will I be here. Had dinner with a group of college friends last night, most of whom making plans to leave Japan sooner or later -- just like the me last year. Meanwhile, after meeting and knowing and talking to a bunch more people outside this world of Tokyo this year, the me right now don't feel like leaving Tokyo any more. Tokyo is a nice place and I like it. And I mean it. Just like how I've dreaded before coming to Tokyo, people came and left all the time without ever staying longer. They still do, and I'm pretty sure this will keep happening in the future. It's Japan, after all. I still think it sucks, but I'm no longer upset by it, or not as upset as I would have in the past. I think I'm getting used to it -- people coming, people leaving, making memories and saying goodbyes. Maybe this is an inevitable process as people grow up? I don't know. I just use the phrase "grow up...

As I sit inside Starbucks and listen to the Christmas songs softly playing at the background, I can't help thinking about the past. Oh why is it always the past. As if nothing worth remembering is happening right now. Oh well. I think of the many places I've been to, Shanghai and Shenzhen and Singapore and London and Tokyo. And all the people whom I've met and talked to, and who are now long gone. I think of the old songs playing at those times, from can't take my eyes off you by straight no chaser to wouldn't it be nice by the beach boys. It's another Christmas. So many things changed, so many things happened, yet the only thing that remains is me sitting in Starbucks listening to its Christmas songs. Laugh.

When I said "it" I wasn't referring to anything specific. Lol. Man it just feels good to say "it's over", as if all the problems can be solved by simply saying this one magic line. Except that they cannot. Sigh. So it's November, and Tokyo is all ready for another winter. The Christmas lights at Ebisu Garden Place were dazzlingly bright when I walked past; another year is gonna be over soon. Which means a lot of things -- another birthday, another Christmas, another New Year and another school year. Why is it so fast? I don't even remember anything about autumn and it's gone. I think as people grow older we just lose track of time. And many things had happened, in between September and November -- basically the length of time between my last post and this post. I broke up with L. I went to US. I met more people. I made more friends. I finished my internship. I became depressed again. I started to feel a bit desperate about life. I spen...