冷たい雪が、降り続けていた。
その純白の美しさに、恍惚。
It was Tokyo's first snow of this winter. And the first November snow in 54 years.
So I spent an afternoon staring at the snow, thinking about life and how nice it was to be in Tokyo at this time. The day was so cold that I fell sick immediately afterwards; but I think it was all worth it.
Tokyo.
So many changes happened in my life for the past half a year or so that I end up being terribly confused right now. I don't know what to do. I don't know what I want to do. I don't know what I should do. I have no goal, no direction, no motivation and for the past month I've been living like someone taking a gap year.
Oh well. Maybe I do have goals. I want to study CS, I want to be an awesome nerd, I want to get a house somewhere -- maybe Tokyo -- and have all the things I want especially the 2 cats. But they don't seem to be that hard to achieve, here in Tokyo; with what I have right now, I can probably get them all in three or four years with the level of efforts I'm putting in right now. So why bother.
But I'm afraid.
The more I talk to my high school friends, seniors and juniors, the more I feel that I'm living a life that's way too free and easy. I don't go for most of the lectures, I don't do my homework, I don't study until one or two weeks before the finals. Am I to go for a Cambridge interview right now, I'll have no idea how to answer any of the questions that I could easily ace two years back. I look at my juniors' course material and I don't even understand anything even though it's something that I'm supposed to have studied. And even for CS, oh I don't understand anything about CS; I didn't even take any CS course in school. With the academic elitism inherited from Raffles, all these don't feel quite sustainable and I'm constantly worried that once we're all released into the society I'll end up being a noob who cannot get any job.
I really am worried. The weightlessness of life bothers me.
And the thing is, I'm confused. Sometimes I think, maybe it IS the case that I don't need to work as hard as my classmates to get what they have because I'm here in Tokyo. But who knows? And even if that's the case, what now?
Ahhh.
But anyway, I think I've decided to settle down in Tokyo. At least for now. I've been doubting my own decision for a while, but I think I got the answer when I stared at the snowfall. It's Tokyo, after all. Tokyo. And the existence of Andy reaffirms that answer. Even though... I don't know. 楽しめばいいじゃん。
Though I hate to think about LH and LL and all the people from high school. Oh no. I don't want to get so far away from them. No I don't, yet another voice keeps telling me that I have to graduate and get the shit over. Fml.
It was Tokyo's first snow of this winter. And the first November snow in 54 years.
So I spent an afternoon staring at the snow, thinking about life and how nice it was to be in Tokyo at this time. The day was so cold that I fell sick immediately afterwards; but I think it was all worth it.
Tokyo.
So many changes happened in my life for the past half a year or so that I end up being terribly confused right now. I don't know what to do. I don't know what I want to do. I don't know what I should do. I have no goal, no direction, no motivation and for the past month I've been living like someone taking a gap year.
Oh well. Maybe I do have goals. I want to study CS, I want to be an awesome nerd, I want to get a house somewhere -- maybe Tokyo -- and have all the things I want especially the 2 cats. But they don't seem to be that hard to achieve, here in Tokyo; with what I have right now, I can probably get them all in three or four years with the level of efforts I'm putting in right now. So why bother.
But I'm afraid.
The more I talk to my high school friends, seniors and juniors, the more I feel that I'm living a life that's way too free and easy. I don't go for most of the lectures, I don't do my homework, I don't study until one or two weeks before the finals. Am I to go for a Cambridge interview right now, I'll have no idea how to answer any of the questions that I could easily ace two years back. I look at my juniors' course material and I don't even understand anything even though it's something that I'm supposed to have studied. And even for CS, oh I don't understand anything about CS; I didn't even take any CS course in school. With the academic elitism inherited from Raffles, all these don't feel quite sustainable and I'm constantly worried that once we're all released into the society I'll end up being a noob who cannot get any job.
I really am worried. The weightlessness of life bothers me.
And the thing is, I'm confused. Sometimes I think, maybe it IS the case that I don't need to work as hard as my classmates to get what they have because I'm here in Tokyo. But who knows? And even if that's the case, what now?
Ahhh.
But anyway, I think I've decided to settle down in Tokyo. At least for now. I've been doubting my own decision for a while, but I think I got the answer when I stared at the snowfall. It's Tokyo, after all. Tokyo. And the existence of Andy reaffirms that answer. Even though... I don't know. 楽しめばいいじゃん。
Though I hate to think about LH and LL and all the people from high school. Oh no. I don't want to get so far away from them. No I don't, yet another voice keeps telling me that I have to graduate and get the shit over. Fml.
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