Whatever.

So I got it, the offer from T College, and it prompts me to start thinking about life again. As LH once said, it always boils down to the same question: so what do I want in life. What do I want the most in life. What do I want to do with my life. What kind of person do I want to be, do I want to be remembered by many or remain aloof for the rest of my life. Those are some of the questions that I've been thinking recently. And whenever I close my eyes and start to imagine, it's always the same imagery -- a wooden house covered by snow, in somewhere far and unknown. And I'll be there, inside the small cosy house surrounded by my books and a cat, doing art or programming or something else I like. It feels wonderful just imagining that. I fell sick again. As I sneeze (every thirty seconds or so) I just don't feel like going anywhere any more. It's only when I get sick that the thought that health matters more than everything else pops back to my mind. I just wa...

To explain all the things that happened in the past year. --- Towards the end of JC my depression was getting quite bad as a result of all the stress from study, college application, relationship and family. And then, perhaps fortunately, there came a thought: I want to live somewhere far from everyone, somewhere deep in the forest covered in snow, and just work on things I like, be it physics or maths or art. That thought later became the main theme of all my college application essays and helped me survive JC. And then, I came to Japan, accidentally or not. Days in Tokyo were dazzling. But nights were lonely. Perhaps Lawrence helped me through a bit with that. But last year, finally, I gave in to stress. I let myself relax and try to recover from the pain. Time in Tokyo no longer felt as lonely; but it was numbing, like entertainments from Brave New World. And slowly, gradually, I started to realize that. Half-suspended in the mid air of a splendid mirage, I let myself down...

Went for 初詣 alone today, in some small 神社 near Shibuya. Made up my mind to not rely on anyone else. Thought about a lot of things, though mostly work-related. Feeling motivated again, finally. As I told Lawrence today, finally I'm starting to accept the fact that I'm alone in Tokyo. And then walk on. I don't know where I'll be in one year. I don't know whom I'll be with. I have no idea what lies ahead. But no matter what, I think I'm back. Finally. Thanks to ZD. This time, it's really just him and no one else. What a cheater.

January. Ah it's January again! Not that it matters much though. Life goes on no matter what, and I need to work hard regardless of whether it's a new year or not. But. It's a good start. Somehow. It feels like a good start. もっと、もっと強くなる。そう誓ったから。 加油。For everything ahead.